ConfusedTwenties

 Sorry I abandoned y'all (aka myself) I'm currently homeless living in a hotel for the moment. Plus, life has been lifeing Rod wave wasn't lying when he said death got to be easy because life is hard. Waking up every day being present sometimes feels so tiring. I still won't except this as my reality because I know I deserve better than this life so I'm going to do everything I can to get out of this. My parents are helping and I'm grateful for that part because a lot of people don't have that type of help. At the time same time I wish I could say I'll be fine without the help but I'm not and that alone is killing me. I don't want to have to be connected with people because of money. It's kind of like with my sexual partners, when you take away the sex there's not really much left. If you were to take the money out of my relationship with my parents, there wouldn't be much left. Apart of me appreciate them for pushing me out since I d...

 How do you know when you're truly in love with someone? I keep going over and over this question in my head but never get a concreate answer. Now I know God is love because it says it in the bible, but man is flawed. So how would we describe love for man? Honestly if I went by the bible, I don't think I'd ever find love due to that fact that I've done some messed up things to the people I loved before. At this point in my life love is so complicated for me because I always find myself in a one-sided equation... at least that's what I think. There's so many possibles but I'm stuck in between the known and the unknown but is that love? Logic? Every time I've fell in love there's undescribed feeling and every time it feels different but how will I know when he/she is the one? I'm in my twenties right now but in the fantasy world I made for myself I'd always dream to find a long-lasting love young so now it feels like I'm running out of time...

 It's crazy how now there's an either or. My parents have been married my whole life but are nowhere near a couple to look up to. When I was younger, I thought I'd be married and on my first or second kid by now. It's crazy how naive we are to the world as children, but I'd kill to have that same enthusiasm as I did when I was a child. Then after growing up a little bit; I don't remember the exact age but somewhere around my teens I lost hope that there are genuinely good men in this world. Even as a child I saw that my father wasn't a good man but everyone else thought so because of the mask he wore in public. So, when I became a teenager and experienced my first heartbreak I felt as though that just confirmed my theory that man should fully be trusted. Although I built up a resentment for men a small part of me still believed in love but why? When I have seen time and time again how people can hurt you. This brings to the question at hand, marriage or kids...

 Writing actually helps me get my thoughts together even though I sound like I'm mental in almost every post. I found three potential jobs and plenty of potential places to live. I think I just needed to trip out for a second. Consistency is definitely key, so not only do I hope to maintain this job and not go off the deep end into my feelings, but I also hope to stay abstinent. Now don't get it confused I won't be holding on until marriage but just until I feel like someone sees the true value in me and I feel the same way about them. Until I'll be calling my fingers daddy and telling myself I'm a good girl. In a previous post I was talking about how the past teaches you lessons. Well, this time when I'm on my own I won't let anyone come between my success. I let my good for absolutely nothing ex come over time and time again even though the rules clearly stated no guest, and this man got caught with a gun in the house. Now I do place some of the blame on h...

 I'm forcing myself to write everyday so here damn self. I'm not in the mood right now because I can't find a job yet. I'm literally two seconds away from selling ass because none of the jobs I want have reached back out to me and the jobs that I know I could start today don't support my life. I currently have a migraine just thinking about it. How am I going to get the money I need without scarifying my moral. Honestly nothing ever prepares you for how hard your life is going to be even if someone older shares how hard life was for them. Granted I do appreciate the wisdom from older people whose opinion I respect. I wonder if I'll make it to 30 and if/when I do what will it look like. I know that my decisions right now are the building blocks to that life. Earlier I saw a boy trapped in a man's body who I used to associate myself with post the mother of his child. Seeing that really upset me because he would tell me how he really loves me and deeply cares a...

 I just heard a quote that said, "the past is just that... the past but we can change the story we tell ourselves about it". This quote really hit home for me because a lot of the time when I remind myself of my past, I get really sad. In doing this I forget the beautiful lessons the past has taught me which is why I end up repeating the past. I really am enjoying this blog it's one of the healthiest outlets I've had in my life. I know that I make bad choices, but I've made some good life changing ones as well. The decision I made to be friends with the people I'm friends with now was a great decision. The memories we have made together I will remember forever even if God forbid, we stop being friends. Life can be so beautiful if you let it even falling in love for the first time is beautiful. Yes, the heart break hurt like hell but why? Because of how good it felt. I don't want to give up today, now I say today because sometimes I don't value my life ...

 Today I don't feel as hopeless as I was before. Although I'm still lost and trying to find my way, I think there may be a way out of this. I think that writing is huge part of that, I always said that it feels like no one will ever understand me, but I understand me perfectly fine. This way I get to look back on my thoughts and process them as if they weren't my own so I can give myself non bias advice. Anyway, I know I will find my way back to God. He's been popping up in places I least expected him to let me know he never left my side. I saw an old friend not too long ago and I thought we were going to have sex but just talked about God most of the time. We didn't even have sex which I was really proud of myself because as I talked about before I'm trying to flee from lust. I miss spending time with my friends and being outside, but I don't think it's time yet. I know I need this time of isolation to work on self-discipline. I get distracted from my g...

 See I knew in the back of my mind that telling him would possibly make me feel worse, but I did it anyway. Maybe this is all the closure I need to move on from this chapter of my life into a life where I don't have to guess if someone feels the same as me. I want a life where we equally care for each other and one person doesn't care more than the other. That type of love is so draining and do I really keep sacrificing my mental help in order to feel something that in actuality may not even he real. When I first heard his response, I kept over analyzing it to make it fit around my feelings when the truth is he just doesn't feel the same. Sometimes it's not a battle of heart and mind but a battle of ego and reality. Sadly, today I am learning that lesson all too well today that in life just because you want something really bad doesn't mean you'll have it. I don't regret it though I know that I will be able to apply this is other areas of my life and keep mo...

 Maybe I'm dumb but I truly believe if I tell Buddy how I feel he'll take it in and listen. In life they say we have to use our discernment in certain situations.... I think that this is one of those situations. I don't expect anything but for him to listen to what I have to say because at this point these feelings are feeling like a burden. We're grown but I still feel like a scared little girl when it comes to my feelings. I also feel like my life isn't together right now so what's the point of discussing how I feel? Then another part of me feels like if I wait too long, he'll be gone, and I'll have yet another regret. Hopefully he will wait because I can't be around people when my life isn't together not even my friends. I love all of them, but I know one can truly help me through this stage in my life

 I hate this bitch ass nigga who calls himself my father, but I call him a sperm donor. He does weird things all the time to me and when I tell my mother she does absolutely nothing. As of today, though I'm packing up my stuff after is has told me time and time again that he'll get the sheriff to remove me. I don't know where I'm going but I feel like anywhere is better than being somewhere you're not wanted, and you can't be yourself. I figure if I want any quality life than I got to. I mean really go this family is too toxic for me and they prey on negativity. I need to believe there's a better life out before I crash out and completely give up. When I do go though, I am not leaving peacefully since I've been living in hell, and they've ignored me every time I tried to communicate that to them. I'm thinking chitlins, glitter and ketchup will do the trick. Even that doesn't seem like enough to pay them back for all the emotional distress the...

 Since birth I've been questioning the world. Now that I'm older I still question the world, but I question myself, my friends, my heart, my subconscious thoughts. Basically, I question everything about life. Sometimes I get answers, very rarely I get the answers I need or want to hear and almost all of the time there's always more questions. I always wanted someone to come into my life and understand me without me having overexplain myself. In another world maybe we would never take physical from and just be souls. I wonder if we would have the same friends or be close with the same family members. I wonder if we would find our loved ones again. I think I'd be more at peace in soulful world then I'd know for sure that everyone me near me is supposed to be there. There are so many thoughts I have daily about me being the person I want to be and the person that I am to people. That's the biggest question I want answered. Who am I? Am I the girl who is a people pl...

 If my life was a movie, it would probably be like the Grinch. Before you right me off hear me out. The Grinch started off innocent in a place he stuck out like sore thumb. The place I stuck out in was own family. I'm the very youngest, I'm what you would call my parents accidentally baby well actually they call me that. They only difference between me and the Grinch is that my heart hasn't got any bigger. In the movie his villain origin story started in school, mines started at home. I don't if it was my dad constantly beating us for simply being alive or my mom never doing anything to help us or my sisters hating me for the first 13 years of life that started my story. I didn't have a snowy mountain to escape to all I had was my mind to escape into. Whenever something bad happened my mind used to go numb now, I guess you can say I blackout. As I got older the physical abuse slowly stopped due to my sisters being able to fight back, the multiple CPS reports and pol...

 In my head ALLLLLL day am I a lame? In my definition of a lame.... yes, I am. I really woke thinking about Buddy. I checked that Instagram page before I brushed my teeth. I miss him so much as if I'm not the one who stopped talking to him. Then again, he did leave me out in the cold... again. Like I said I'm a lame. I need to get more of a life that's not centered in lust. I saw a post escaping lust but it's so much easier said than done. I've been abstinent for two weeks and I keep having dreams of our last time together and I wake up right before I cum. They say you have to run from lust but everything that reminds me of him makes me horny. I crossed my legs and almost came. I hope that by 30 days these feelings are easier to manage because right now feels like hell. I'm on this journey of figuring out who I am. I've accepted the fact that society will always deem me as a hoe because of the decisions I have made but does that really mean I don't deser...

 I'm in love with a man I know cannot love me back. I think that's what make me love him even more. Sometimes I think I should tell him, but my mind tells me it does not matter because what would come from it? Where would I go from there? I don't think I'm ready for a commitment yet, but I also feel like time stops when I'm with him. Not to be dramatic but it feels like a parallel universe when I'm with him. Like my problems didn't matter as much anymore. And then if I did tell him how I feel what would I say? I think I fell in love the moment I said hello. No because that's corny and no one really believes in those things. I don't why he's on my mind so heavy today....is it the sex? Yes and no, the sex is so good because of how safe he makes me feel. No one will ever fully understand why I don't trust men except me, so I usually don't tell people. I want everything to come to me naturally never forced. His energy is so captivating its al...

 I'm starting this blog as almost a diary. I probably will say the craziest things on this blog but it's the most open I'll ever be. When I was younger, I always loved to write and make my own stories. This is a story of my life....my everyday life while I'm trying to figure who I am in this world. We should start with my biggest problem which is sex. Sex feels so good almost as if nothing else matters in that moment then the moment is over, and I'm left back on earth. I tried love for the first time at 16 but I lost my virginity at 15. Romantic love is so exhilarating it opened me up to a whole new world, a whole new feeling. I loved him so much I stopped prioritizing myself....my life. When he left, I never healed from it I just kept going on with life...really, I started hoeing. I just wanted that feeling back but why? Most of the time we would argue over the dumbest things I can't even remember over what now. Then the other times he was my best friend, he li...