Why does it hurt so bad

 I'm in love with a man I know cannot love me back. I think that's what make me love him even more. Sometimes I think I should tell him, but my mind tells me it does not matter because what would come from it? Where would I go from there? I don't think I'm ready for a commitment yet, but I also feel like time stops when I'm with him. Not to be dramatic but it feels like a parallel universe when I'm with him. Like my problems didn't matter as much anymore. And then if I did tell him how I feel what would I say? I think I fell in love the moment I said hello. No because that's corny and no one really believes in those things. I don't why he's on my mind so heavy today....is it the sex? Yes and no, the sex is so good because of how safe he makes me feel. No one will ever fully understand why I don't trust men except me, so I usually don't tell people. I want everything to come to me naturally never forced. His energy is so captivating its almost annoying, but I can't help but to love it. Even typing this I can hear his loud ass laugh. I love the way his voice changes pitch when he's talking about something he's passionate about. I love all these things about him, but I don't think he's notices me. It's like the time we spend together means nothing to him because his heart is somewhere else. The sad thing is I've known for a while but by the time I found out I was already into deep kind of like the movie. Every time I catch myself feeling a way about him, I question myself. I question my own judgement into why privately I'm becoming a pick me. Not in the sense of hating the girl he's in love with but secretly wishing I was the one he loved. Like I said before I want things to happen naturally so that's my main reason for not telling him how I feel. I think I already know he doesn't care for me in the same way because why would he leave me out in the cold? Why would he not call to check on me after I went ghost for a whole month? Why was he okay with not communicating with me when I tried to open to him about how he hurt? Those are all signs of someone who doesn't care about me. On the other hand, am I naive enough to think he's just a man? I mean some men really don't pay attention to small details and based on certain conservations I know he sometimes has trouble sorting through his own emotions so do I really expect him to read into mines? I think that it hurts right now but the rejection is going to hurt even more. I have to come to terms with my ego and realize he's not my person he's hers. All this self-doubt, worrying, insecurity isn't even me. Even though I'm still figuring out who I am. I know I wouldn't my want daughter to be in this position with a man or anyone. Still wondering should I tell him? I've went over this a hundred times in my head.... I wish he already knew so I wouldn't have to say anything at all. Truth is I see all the good in him after knowing some of the bad so, loving him isn't a complete mistake. He's a great conversationalist, he's creative, tall, very handsome, he's teddy bear but most of all he had a feeling that I wanted. Boom I got it. I know how I'm going to tell him. I'm going to write him a story but write it in first person so I'll be like I'm telling my homegirl.