Damn

 I'm forcing myself to write everyday so here damn self. I'm not in the mood right now because I can't find a job yet. I'm literally two seconds away from selling ass because none of the jobs I want have reached back out to me and the jobs that I know I could start today don't support my life. I currently have a migraine just thinking about it. How am I going to get the money I need without scarifying my moral. Honestly nothing ever prepares you for how hard your life is going to be even if someone older shares how hard life was for them. Granted I do appreciate the wisdom from older people whose opinion I respect. I wonder if I'll make it to 30 and if/when I do what will it look like. I know that my decisions right now are the building blocks to that life. Earlier I saw a boy trapped in a man's body who I used to associate myself with post the mother of his child. Seeing that really upset me because he would tell me how he really loves me and deeply cares about me. I always knew he was lying but what was the point of lying. Then they looked so happy with their son if I didn't know he was a lying piece of shit I would be so happy for them, but I do. Every time I catch myself getting ready to judge someone else, I self-reflect and look at where I am in life. I think that's why I'm in my feelings right now because comparison really is the thief of joy and on top of all that I'm broke right now. So it's not this man who I have no attachments to that's upsetting me it's myself I'm truly irritated with myself. Why does everything always have to spin back to a man? It's true that the moment you judge someone for their position in life God will show you how easily it could be you. I wish I had my hustling spirit back, so I won't be broke but it's so hard to shake this depression right now. No matter how many times I try to force myself up I still feel stuck then my anxiety kicks in then it literally starts to physically hurt just thinking about my life right now. Hopefully it'll be better tomorrow, bye for now  

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