3:18 where have you been?

 In my head ALLLLLL day am I a lame? In my definition of a lame.... yes, I am. I really woke thinking about Buddy. I checked that Instagram page before I brushed my teeth. I miss him so much as if I'm not the one who stopped talking to him. Then again, he did leave me out in the cold... again. Like I said I'm a lame. I need to get more of a life that's not centered in lust. I saw a post escaping lust but it's so much easier said than done. I've been abstinent for two weeks and I keep having dreams of our last time together and I wake up right before I cum. They say you have to run from lust but everything that reminds me of him makes me horny. I crossed my legs and almost came. I hope that by 30 days these feelings are easier to manage because right now feels like hell. I'm on this journey of figuring out who I am. I've accepted the fact that society will always deem me as a hoe because of the decisions I have made but does that really mean I don't deserve love. Most "hoes" are created because of the lack of love and sexual trauma. Me personally that's my story but in real life nobody cares because everybody has a sad story. Everyone is going to look out for their selves at the end of day and that's what I'm trying to do. I find it hard to do so since I constantly give people the person I need and I usual never have the person I need. Basically, being emotional available to people who can't /won't be emotionally available to me. I have best friend that I could most definitely treat better because I think I trauma dump on him too much. That's another reason why I started this blog, so I won't be a burden to the people I love. I know that all of this stems from lack of self-love and I'm trying to figure that out. I've taken the advice I've seen on social media, and it works.... for the moment kind of just like sex. I want to know the bigger picture of things and get to the bottom. All while trying to be a good friend, trying to find a career, maybe have a family but don't wait too long because my eggs might dry up, fix my credit, keep a consistent job, don't be hoe, find a relationship with God again, keep up my appearance. I know there's people who are doing all those things and even more, but I don't know how to do it myself in my way. Then I always hear people say well that's life but that's never the answer I need. I need God himself to come to me and tell me what to do. I forgot I also want to get back in the gym, it's the only thing that truly relives my stress other than sex. I don't have any resources other than a computer and I Wi-Fi connection. I know I put myself in this hole, but I want to be able to see a way out before I completely give up. Not to sound dramatic but I don't see the point of life right now.