ConfusedTwenties

 Around this time I'm always in my thoughts. I fall in love and out of love like a light switch. I wonder is it all real and I just have such a big heart. Or is it all fake and I never knew what real love is? People say all the time that feelings aren't fact but they are real. Honestly what the fuck?!?! It's like I have no clue what to think. I'm wrong if I lean on my own understanding because that means I'm not leaning on God like I should. I'm spiraling and I have no idea where I'm going to land. I make no sense to myself sometimes. Like everything in my life could be going and here I am worried about a man. Don't get me wrong I'm overly sick of my shit. Apart just fiens to be seen by someone. Anyway before I get to far gone let's talk about why I decided to blog again....... Welp you guessed it's bout a fucking man. I realized that I only fall hard for dudes who don't like me as much as I like them and they don't require to be bett...

 Sorry I abandoned y'all (aka myself) I'm currently homeless living in a hotel for the moment. Plus, life has been lifeing Rod wave wasn't lying when he said death got to be easy because life is hard. Waking up every day being present sometimes feels so tiring. I still won't except this as my reality because I know I deserve better than this life so I'm going to do everything I can to get out of this. My parents are helping and I'm grateful for that part because a lot of people don't have that type of help. At the time same time I wish I could say I'll be fine without the help but I'm not and that alone is killing me. I don't want to have to be connected with people because of money. It's kind of like with my sexual partners, when you take away the sex there's not really much left. If you were to take the money out of my relationship with my parents, there wouldn't be much left. Apart of me appreciate them for pushing me out since I d...

 How do you know when you're truly in love with someone? I keep going over and over this question in my head but never get a concreate answer. Now I know God is love because it says it in the bible, but man is flawed. So how would we describe love for man? Honestly if I went by the bible, I don't think I'd ever find love due to that fact that I've done some messed up things to the people I loved before. At this point in my life love is so complicated for me because I always find myself in a one-sided equation... at least that's what I think. There's so many possibles but I'm stuck in between the known and the unknown but is that love? Logic? Every time I've fell in love there's undescribed feeling and every time it feels different but how will I know when he/she is the one? I'm in my twenties right now but in the fantasy world I made for myself I'd always dream to find a long-lasting love young so now it feels like I'm running out of time...

 It's crazy how now there's an either or. My parents have been married my whole life but are nowhere near a couple to look up to. When I was younger, I thought I'd be married and on my first or second kid by now. It's crazy how naive we are to the world as children, but I'd kill to have that same enthusiasm as I did when I was a child. Then after growing up a little bit; I don't remember the exact age but somewhere around my teens I lost hope that there are genuinely good men in this world. Even as a child I saw that my father wasn't a good man but everyone else thought so because of the mask he wore in public. So, when I became a teenager and experienced my first heartbreak I felt as though that just confirmed my theory that man should fully be trusted. Although I built up a resentment for men a small part of me still believed in love but why? When I have seen time and time again how people can hurt you. This brings to the question at hand, marriage or kids...

 Writing actually helps me get my thoughts together even though I sound like I'm mental in almost every post. I found three potential jobs and plenty of potential places to live. I think I just needed to trip out for a second. Consistency is definitely key, so not only do I hope to maintain this job and not go off the deep end into my feelings, but I also hope to stay abstinent. Now don't get it confused I won't be holding on until marriage but just until I feel like someone sees the true value in me and I feel the same way about them. Until I'll be calling my fingers daddy and telling myself I'm a good girl. In a previous post I was talking about how the past teaches you lessons. Well, this time when I'm on my own I won't let anyone come between my success. I let my good for absolutely nothing ex come over time and time again even though the rules clearly stated no guest, and this man got caught with a gun in the house. Now I do place some of the blame on h...

 I'm forcing myself to write everyday so here damn self. I'm not in the mood right now because I can't find a job yet. I'm literally two seconds away from selling ass because none of the jobs I want have reached back out to me and the jobs that I know I could start today don't support my life. I currently have a migraine just thinking about it. How am I going to get the money I need without scarifying my moral. Honestly nothing ever prepares you for how hard your life is going to be even if someone older shares how hard life was for them. Granted I do appreciate the wisdom from older people whose opinion I respect. I wonder if I'll make it to 30 and if/when I do what will it look like. I know that my decisions right now are the building blocks to that life. Earlier I saw a boy trapped in a man's body who I used to associate myself with post the mother of his child. Seeing that really upset me because he would tell me how he really loves me and deeply cares a...